Monday, June 1, 2009


You: i lost my job at GM today

Stranger: what did you do there?

You: accounts

Stranger: i know they filed fro chapter 11 today

Stranger: that sucks

You: this town is a mess, i think i'm going to move to panama

Stranger: helzz yeah

Stranger: van halen didn't write a song about that place for nothing

Stranger: well maybe they did

You: well, they do have a very friendly attitude for foreigners

Stranger: they were prolly high

You: especially the young women

Stranger: true

You: they're nice to me.

You: partly thats the reason my wife left

Stranger: well then she's a bitch

You: she didn't get it

Stranger: i know none of them do

You: i could be myself down there

Stranger: women think completely different than men

Stranger: it was your happy place

Stranger: your better off without her

You: just because you might like to be with those younger than you is not a cause to break up a marriage, you know what I'm saying?

Stranger: all men want to be with younger women

Stranger: it's how we work

You: i mean, they were really young

Stranger: i have never been married

You: but very receptive

Stranger: like how old?

You: i don't know if i can get into that just yet

You: have you ever been to a third world country?

Stranger: not really

Stranger: but i think i see pedo bear over there

Stranger: lol

You: i think you might be judging me, which is cool, i guess

Stranger: totally cool

Stranger: you don;t need to be going after girls dude

You: i'm not talking about girls

Thursday, May 28, 2009


Connecting to server...
Looking for someone you can chat with. Hang on.
You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: hey!
Stranger: heilo!
Stranger: on earth?
You: lol
You: yes
You: you?
Stranger: kewl
Stranger: yup
Stranger: spinning madly
You: is it memorial day where you are?
Stranger: I guess so
Stranger: we're in this together
You: i don't know what that is, somebody on here was telling me about it earlier
You: im malta
You: in
Stranger: oh
Stranger: it's war dead remembrance day
Stranger: nationa holliday in US
Stranger: national*
You: thats what she said
Stranger: people spend the day outdoors
Stranger: eating barbeque
You: she said everyone shoots at each other
Stranger: lol
You: and gets abortions
Stranger: not in my neighborhood
Stranger: haha
You: i serious
You: am
Stranger: lol
Stranger: well I guess that's one way of seeing it
You: it didn't make much sense
You: i thought they were lying
Stranger: they were, in theory
Stranger: but there are military veterans parades
Stranger: I guess they carry fake rifles
You: hat doesn't sound fun
You: that
Stranger: it's not
Stranger: that's why most ppl just go out and eat and drink
You: she said you eat pigs and people get drunk and give blowjobs to people on boats
Stranger: unless your relative or friend died in a war
Stranger: that would be awsome
You: my father died in a war
Stranger: which war?
You: but that was long ago
You: vietnam
Stranger: oh
Stranger: you're vietnamese then?
You: no from malta
Stranger: hmm
Stranger: ok
You: you?
Stranger: new york city
Stranger: US
You: ive been there!
Stranger: cool
Stranger: when?
You: crowded
You: 5 years ago
Stranger: It can be
Stranger: depends where
You: i was there for new year eve
You: it was CRAZY!
Stranger: ok that explains it
Stranger: in times square?
You: yes!
You: and we went to canada
You: the next day
Stranger: I never went there for new years eve
Stranger: oh
You: you don't like canada?
Stranger: do you speak french in malta?
You: i don't
Stranger: in general I mean
Stranger: the maltese
You: people speak diffrent things
You: i speak portugese
Stranger: ok
You: and english
You: of course!
Stranger: very good english!
Stranger: learned in school?
You: my sister
You: she lived in canada since she was 5
Stranger: ok
Stranger: I speak spanish and english
Stranger: I was born in argentina
Stranger: but I lived here most of my life
You: kewl!
Stranger: lol
Stranger: do you have a proffession
Stranger: ?
You: i make pottery
Stranger: nice
You: its ok
Stranger: I'm an architect
Stranger: yu like to work with your hands
Stranger: you*
You: i do
Stranger: me too
You: and i am my own boss
Stranger: me too
You: so you build things?
Stranger: now I work with computers a lot
Stranger: I design them
Stranger: and manage the constuction
Stranger: I specialize in public places
Stranger: parks, theaters museums...
You: wow!
Stranger: I'm terrified of deigning private places
You: i like parks and theatres, we don't really have any museums
Stranger: designing*
Stranger: malta is very small
Stranger: what is the name of the largest city in malts
Stranger: malta?
You: it's not that small
You: valletta
Stranger: isn't it an island in the mediterranean sea?
You: i got raped there though
Stranger: napoleon was born there right?
You: didnt go back
You: no
Stranger: shit!
You: corsica
Stranger: sorry
You: its ok
You: was a long time ago
Stranger: my european geography is a little rusty
Stranger: lol
Stranger: I'm very sorry that happened to you
You: not many people know much about malta
You: or how terrible it can be
Stranger: true
You: the weathers ok
You: kind of hot
Stranger: nice
Stranger: is it part of Italy?
You: no
Stranger: or independent?
You: independant
Stranger: oh
You: we have a mayor in town
You: hes ok
Stranger: nice guy?
Stranger: you know him?
You: well, he did rape me once
You: j/k
Stranger: not sure I can laugh at that
Stranger: but I admire your ability to joke about it
You: sorry
Stranger: no problem
You: see ya queerguts
You have disconnected.
You was played by Elliott

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

A Hole Is A Hole Is A Hole

Connecting to server...
Looking for someone you can chat with. Hang on.
You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: hello
Stranger: yo
Stranger: yo~~
You: what's up?
Stranger: i want do a plastic surgery
You: on what?
Stranger: on my nose
You: what's wrong with it?
Stranger: i think it is too low
You: are you a man or a woman?
Stranger: i am a cute gay
You: man?
Stranger: gay
You: gay man?
Stranger: yeah```of coursae
You: ok
Stranger: and u?
You: I'm a Vietnam Vet.
Stranger: ok
You: saw a guy get his nose blown off by shrapnel
Stranger: i am a japanese hairstyler
Stranger: nice to meet u'
You: you should love your nose for the way it is.
You: at least it's not blown off by shrapnel.
Stranger: ammmm............
You: plus plastic surgery is expensive.
Stranger: no
Stranger: it is ok
You: you could make a trip somewhere instead.
Stranger: hoho
Stranger: i have been to usa last month
You: you know, plastic surgery was invented after WWI to fix soldier's faces that were blown off.
Stranger: vietnanese will never know the imprtance of face
You: exactly.
You: where in america did you go?
Stranger: seanto
Stranger: newyork
You: nice
Stranger: how old are u,dude
You: 67
Stranger: 67?
Stranger: 67 years old?
You: I'm not gay, but while I was on the ship in 'nam, things happened if you know what I mean
Stranger: but you are sooo old
Stranger: i think no man will have interested in u
You: When you're stranded at sea on a sailing vessel, with lots of men, the rules change.
Stranger: ok,,,i see
You: I am old, that's true.
Stranger: have u ever fuck man
Stranger: ???
You: plus I'm missing my leg.
Stranger: omg,,,i am sorry
Stranger: you are a soilder?
Stranger: lose your leg in war right?
You: Let me just say that I was in the Navy, and when you're in a submarine for six months, the rules change. A hole is a hole is a hole.
Stranger: do u enjoy it?
You: Only the mighty Poseidon determines the way the door swings when you're at the bottom of the ocean for six months at a time.
You: yes I lost my leg in the war
Stranger: i admire u
You: in a sexy way or in a war hero way?
You: I'm overweight. I have the diabetes
Stranger: both side
You: have you ever given a haircut to a man who had his nose blown off by shrapnel?
You: I'd assume it would be a little distracting.
You: Where in Japan do you live?
Stranger: osaka
You: Do you like the movie "Barber Shop", with Ice Cube?
You: That movie had haircutters in it.
Stranger: do u know,,,japanese man"s nise is high in commom,,but mine is low
Stranger: oh i heard of it
You: nose?
You: your low nose makes you special.
Stranger: am,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
You: when I was in the Navy, if your nose was too high, like up in the middle of your forehead, then they'd kick you out.
You: so you should be happy with your nose.
Stranger: opps
Stranger: terrible
Stranger: i have to have meal ,,,,bye
Stranger: nice to meet u
You: wait friend, I've got more to talk to you about
You: you can eat later
Stranger: am........
Stranger: say,then
You: ok good.
You: You know, life is a strange thing. If I die from the diabetes, I'd be willing to give my nose to you, for a transplant.
Stranger: haha
You: That nose has been through a lot, has seen a lot, smelled a lot, but I think you'd like it.
You: I'm being serious.
Stranger: i know......
Stranger: are u ok,,man?
You: This has been a real special conversation for me.
You: I think I'd like to get a tattoo of your name on my chest.
You: would that be ok with you?
Stranger: i am sad...
You: don't be sad, I have a bumper sticker that says "Life's a bitch, and then you die", those are words that I live by.
Stranger: my english is poor sorry
You: no problem, I love your bad english.
You: It's better than my Chinese
Stranger: thank
Stranger: i will never forget u,,,u give me a nice lesson
You: What's your name, I'll get it tattooed on my chest to commerate our time together.
Stranger: ok
Stranger: tashiko
You: Ok Tashiko, I'm going to get it tattooed right over my heart, so that I never forget this conversation.
Stranger: sorry,,but i have to go,,,my friends call me
You: I'll never forget you either Tashiko, and remember my wise words of wisdom
Stranger: you are my best teacher
Stranger: ^_^
You: you are my best student.
Stranger: bye>>>
You: I love you.
You: bye
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
You was played by David.

Monday, May 25, 2009

Movies about robots

Connecting to server...
Looking for someone you can chat with. Hang on.
You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: hi
Stranger: hey
You: a/s/l?
Stranger: 20 m netherlands
You: Oh cool. I am 23 and in the States.
You: How is the weather in the netherlands?
Stranger: it sucks!
Stranger: there's a thndersorm right now hehe
Stranger: thunderstorm*
You: ugh, I'm sorry. It's hot here, and sunny. We were on the beach all day.
Stranger: california?
You: Yes, Malibu.
Stranger: ah man you got it good
You: It's ok. I wish I lived in the Netherlands sometimes though.
Stranger: I'm not complaining thoug hthe weather has been great for a long time
Stranger: oh why the netherlands?
You: Well, Santa Claus lives there.
Stranger: uhm...
You: And every morning he drives his reindeer out onto the tundra
Stranger: you're not supposed to know about that
You: and gives tiny creamcakes to all the netherlandian boys and girls.
You: In malibu we are forced into tanning booths all day at taserpoint.
Stranger: it's dutch btw
You: and if we disobey we are forced to do pilates until we vomit frozen yogurt.
Stranger: everyone or just the girsl?
Stranger: girls*
You: well, the boys that disobey are surgically altered and become something not totally unlike girls.
Stranger: i bet that's confusing
You: I hope they can't hear me telling you about the secrets of malibu.
You: the malibu overlords monitor all our communications.
Stranger: does the governator have anything to do with all this?
You: If they find out I told an outlander about our beautification camps they'll make me clean up pomeranian poop with my mouth for a week
You: and subject me to botox enemas
You: yes! swarzenegger is responsible!
You: I am afraid for my soul.
You: I just want to go somewhere cold
You: just once
You: and watch dour movies about rape.
You: that have sad endings
You: which win awards.
You: and have no robots in them.
You: please help me
Stranger: I will see to it that you and your people get freed from the schwarzenegger
You: thank you
You: you are our only hope
You: They come for me!!!!
Stranger: the dutch have always have been
Stranger: close the window!
You: god no...

Peanut Butter Solution

Omegle conversation log 2009-05-25

Connecting to server...

Looking for someone you can chat with. Hang on.

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

Stranger: hi

You: hey

Stranger: how are you?

You: 21

Stranger: nineteen

You: oh, cool

You: where are you?

Stranger: canada, you?

You: Omaha

You: You know, like wild kingdom?

You: Except we have no lions here.

You: What we do have is ants.

You: If you stay still too long they will get in your cooter.

Stranger: termites too!

Stranger: cooter?

You: That's omaha slang for 'vagina'.

Stranger: wtf is a cooter?

You: We have a lot of good slang words in Omaha.

You: Do you have slang in Canada?

You: that's when you makeumup some words.

Stranger: yes, we do

Stranger: i love it

You: We don't school up too good here so we makeumup.

You: Hey I saw a movie from canadia

You: have you seen it?

You: it's about a boy whose hair falls out.

You: and ghosts put peanut butter on his head

You: and his hair grows really fast.

Stranger: yes!

Stranger: i hace

Stranger: it got oscar snubbed

You: Yeah. we watch that a lot in Omaha.

You: People tell you a lot of stuff about life in Omaha that isn't true.

You: like that we have lions and marmosets.

Stranger: but no

You: but really we watch that peanut butter movie a lot.

Stranger: you only have cooter ants

You: yeah.

You: That's a problem.

Stranger: spray raid on your vaj

Stranger: should keep down the itch

You: I thought that peanut butter might help

You: but it made it worse.

Stranger: i'm allergic to peanut butter

You: now I have to go to the doctor twice a month.

Stranger: please stop talking about it or i will disconnect

Stranger: it is a mortal allergy

You: oh no

You: I just ate a pbnj

Stranger: NO!

You: I don't want to get it on you over the internets

Stranger: now we can't tongue kiss

You: like that girl who got kissed and died.

You: I'm sorry

You: I feel like I kind of love you.

You: I don't want you to die

Stranger: it's okay

You: I have to sacrifice our love to save your life.

Stranger: we can kiss through saran wrap

You: goodbye.

You have disconnected.

Work Makes Free

You: Hi! Happy Memorial Day!
You: Today we remember our brave young men who died face down in the muck at Kaisan and Mai Lai.
Stranger: whats memorial day
You: It's the day we celebrate our soldiers who died defending the proletariat against the invading capitalist butchers.
Stranger: awesome
Stranger: isee Happy Memorial Day!
You: Thanks!
You: Where are you from?
Stranger: where are you from
You: Vietnam.
Stranger: china
You: Very good. A dictatorship of the proletariat.
You: Mao was a great man.
You: As we say in our country, "Didi mao!"
Stranger: yes.
Stranger: what does that mean
You: It means "Long live Mao!"
You: It is a battle cry.
You: Today we also cheer our communist brothers and sisters in North Korea as they thumb their noses at the capitalist world establishment.
You: Brother Kim Jong Il has detonated a functioning nuclear weapon.
You: The capitalist Jews are quaking in their million dollar shoes.
Stranger: you are....
Stranger: how old are you?
You: 14.
Stranger: are you really from Vietnam?
You: How old are you, comrade?
You: Yes.
You: In Ho Chi Minh City.
Stranger: but you speak terrific english
You: It is part of my special training.
Stranger: and you are just 14?
You: I will be sent to infiltrate the capitalist higher education system.
Stranger: wow
Stranger: wow
Stranger: you are a bit of a boaster
You: No, it is all true. I say it with absolute humility.
You: It is a service to the working people of the world.
Stranger: how do you manage to do that
Stranger: i mean you are just 14,and you speak good english
You: It is my special training.
Stranger: i doubt that
You: My handlers have been training me since I was 4 to speak perfect English, though it doesn't take much to fool the idiot Americans.
You: I come to to practice for my infiltration.
Stranger: ...........
You: You seem to have doubts about the proletarian revolution. Perhaps you are a capitalist stooge?
Stranger: it feels like you are fooling me
Stranger: :(
You: Comrade, you must decolonize your mind.
Stranger: where are you now?
You: Still in Vietnam awaiting my deployment.
Stranger: you are just 14
Stranger: you are joking
You: No, comrade. I am deadly serious.
Stranger: where the hell are you from?
You: Adolescence is an invention of the capitalist Jews.
You: We are all born free, adult workers.
Stranger: of course
You: Many of my peers fight the revolution in the factories of Nike and Adidas. We may be young, but we are free to work.
You: Work makes you free, is it not so?
Stranger: are you serious?
You: It is our right to work.
Stranger: are you sure that you are not joking?
You: I am so grateful to our Revolutionary Council for securing our right to work at any age.
You: This is why I humbly submit to the rigorous training they give me.
You: 18 hours a day I practice my English on Omegle.
Stranger: .............
You: How old are you, comrade?
Stranger: i m 20
You: Ah, so you have been a laborer for at least 10 years. You must understand the glory of sweat.
Stranger: i think you are from europe and trying to tarnish the reputation of Vietnam
You: Comrade, don't fall victim to false consciousness. Remember the teachings of Marx and Lukacs.
You: And Lenin.
Stranger: that is not what i thouht of Vietnam
You: Perhaps your government is jealous and spreads lies about our workers' paradise.
You: Clearly our education system is superior to yours, but to be fair we won our war against the capitalists while yours is losing today.
Stranger: .............
You: I don't mean to offend, comrade. I practice dialectical criticism to seek the truth.
Stranger: how about the other children at your age?
Stranger: do they do the same work like you?
You: Yes, they work hard in factories to glorify our workers' utopia.
You: I was chosen at an early age for my aptitudes at language and deceit, but oh how I wish I could use my muscles and sweat to make our community great!
You: This is why I am humble.
Stranger: do they learn english ?
Stranger: what do you want to be when you are grown up?
Stranger: class conflict is not the principal contradiction,i think
You: I consider myself already to be grown up because I am free of the false consciousness of childhood.
You: But when my training is finished I hope to be a spy and steal nuclear secrets from the capitalist dogs.
Stranger: well done.
Stranger: good luck,dude
Stranger: i gotta go.
You: Good luck, comrade.
Stranger: there is still one question
You: Do I like mudkipz?
Stranger: why do you get the access to the internet?
Stranger: how
You: For my training.
Stranger: your access to the internet
You: Yes?
You: We have internet in our barracks workroom.
Stranger: i see
Stranger: bye
You: Good night, comrade.
Stranger: Good night

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Steely Dan

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Looking for someone you can chat with. Hang on.
You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: hi
You: hey!
Stranger: I was a Korean
You: you were?
Stranger: I was Korean. You do not like Korea?
You: i like korea
Stranger: oh, thanks.
Stranger: from?
You: austin tx.
You: you like steely dan?
You: cause i sure do
Stranger: steely dan?
You: the rock group
Stranger: for the first time I saw
Stranger: oh! group~
You: yeah, donald fagen, walter becker
You: even chevy chase was a member at one point
You: they fucking rule
Stranger: haha ;;
You: tell me about it
You: they got the name from a william s. burroughs novel
You: it was the name of a fucking dildo!!
You: can you believe that shit?
Stranger: i can't understand , sorry
You: thats cool. you should really do yourself a favor and get some of their music though
You: what kind of music do you like?
Stranger: just dance
You: i like to dance
Stranger: um you are female?
You: i aqm
You: am
You: r u male?
Stranger: no. i'm girl
You: neat, lets talk about peroids and lipstick and stuff.
You: does your boyfriend hit you? mine does.
Stranger: no
Stranger: i haven't bf
Stranger: you have bf?
You: i do. he's in jail right now
Stranger: ;; why?
You: he assaulted some police officersw while he was high on pcp
Stranger: oh
Stranger: too bad
You: yeah, my parents don't like him because he's black
You: and he hits me
You: how old r u?
Stranger: Why did he assault you?
Stranger: i'm 18
You: he hits me because he says i don't really listen to him
You: and when hes drunk
You: im 18 too, btw.
You: lol
Stranger: :D
Stranger: you have MSN?
You: i don't think so, this isn't my computer, i'm at the library
Stranger: oh
Stranger: well
Stranger: what time is it there?
You: 8 o'clock
Stranger: am?
Stranger: pm?
You: pm
Stranger: oh
You: what time is it there?
Stranger: am 11:43
Stranger: It is soon time for lunch :D
You: what month is it there?
Stranger: May
You: oh wow! here too! lol
Stranger: : )
Stranger: How's the weather there?
You: HOT!
Stranger: here too !
You: the library is the best place to beat the heat
Stranger: oh~
You: also, my parents have a water hose in the front yard
You: so do you think i should stay with my boyfriend when he gets out of jail?
Stranger: um...
Stranger: I think you should not belong to him 
You: he can be nice sometimes
Stranger: but sometimes!
Stranger: The violence is not right, no matter
You: but maybe hes right, maybe i don't listen
Stranger: um....
Stranger: Do you love him?
You: i guess so, i mean we've done it
Stranger: If you can not help that you love him
You: you're so right
Stranger: okej
Stranger: If you do you want to do the right thing
You: he wants me to sneak things into jail for him
Stranger: Can you believe it?
You: no, i fucking can't!
Stranger: Do not listen to him never
You: but we have 2 kids together
Stranger: what?!
Stranger: Did you have kids?
You: yes, 2
You: one is three, the other is 1 and a half
Stranger: It's a difficult situation
You: you got that right
You: they cry constantly
Stranger: Tough, eh?
You: sometimes i just wish i could sell them to somebody, ya know?
Stranger: come on...
You: i bring them to the library so i don't have to watch them
You: they just run around
Stranger: Your parents say?
You: i told you my parents are jerks
Stranger: oh.....
You: are your parents cool?
Stranger: no. South Korea is a very conservative
Stranger: But not because of my parents, I saw my boyfriend take it
You: i thought you didn't have bf?
Stranger: yes. right
Stranger: South Korea hope to free the foreign like
You: you can come to america, you can babysit for me!
Stranger: hahaha I'd like to
You: or i can send them to you
Stranger: Children were sent to me?
You: sure. they'dove that!
You: love
Stranger: hahaha
Stranger: When I go to the U.S. I want to meet you :D
You: hells yeah! whats your name btw?
You: mines unice
Stranger: my name is kim dong hee
Stranger: call donghee
You: kewl!
Stranger: and u?
You: unice
You: you-nis
Stranger: oh, thanks. haha
Stranger: unice~
You: when are you coming to the u.s.?
Stranger: um.. I do not know when I'll be in the U.S.
You: the librarian here is a real bitch
You: she's yelling at me about my kids
Stranger: ;;
Stranger: who is she?
You: she runs the library with an iron fist
Stranger: oh. shs's bad
Stranger: She bad
Stranger: I'll understand if you just you
You: please do
You: she said my son was flushing newspaper down the toilet
Stranger: um.. come on
Stranger: oh, sorry, I gotta go now
You: but i love you!
Stranger: Nice to be able to talk to you
Stranger: me too, love you!
You: yeah!
Stranger: :D
Stranger: so.. bye bye
You: thanks for helping me decide to stay with my boyfriend
Stranger: No problem : )
Stranger: See ya~~~~
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
You was played by Elliott.